When I hail a taxi, if I'm carrying a bag, nine times out of ten the male driver will observe, 'Ah, out shopping, were ya? Spending all his money.'
What flashes through my mind to reply is:
Firstly, there is no 'his.'
Secondly, when there is, I often earn more than him.
Thirdly, irrespective of earnings, I'd never go shopping on anyone else's money.
Fourthly, it's lovely to be brought out and pampered for a day as a treat but I'm equally liable to do that for the man in my life.
Fifthly, I wasn't shopping. And even if I was, what's it got to do with you?
But usually I say, 'Yeah, I was. Swiped his Triple X Platinum American Express card this morning when he wasn't looking. I only spent €800 on it though. And I think I deserve it after that putrid little dalliance he had with the girl down the cheese mongers last month. Sniff, sniff.'
That shuts them up.
What flashes through my mind to reply is:
Firstly, there is no 'his.'
Secondly, when there is, I often earn more than him.
Thirdly, irrespective of earnings, I'd never go shopping on anyone else's money.
Fourthly, it's lovely to be brought out and pampered for a day as a treat but I'm equally liable to do that for the man in my life.
Fifthly, I wasn't shopping. And even if I was, what's it got to do with you?
But usually I say, 'Yeah, I was. Swiped his Triple X Platinum American Express card this morning when he wasn't looking. I only spent €800 on it though. And I think I deserve it after that putrid little dalliance he had with the girl down the cheese mongers last month. Sniff, sniff.'
That shuts them up.
14 Comments - Post yours here:
Genius! I love it!
I don't think I've ever seen the word 'fifthly' written before.
I want some cheese now.
You'll get the same fella twice and be caught out when you've an exact script.
One thing worse than not being able to get a taxi is getting one.
Beamer
Thanks, Jelly Monster, and welcome!
Radge, I had a 'sixtly' but... Anyway, go forth and have cheese! But if your cholesterol levels sky rocket, it's nothing to do with me.
B, good point. But I vary it. I used to say 'there is no his' but that led to all kinds of complications.
Beamer, too, too true. Although, in fairness, I have met some lovely and interesting taxi drivers in this town of ours.
You must have been going Southside. If you had been going Northside, he would have assumed you'd had a busy day dodging store detectives.
He must have been an FM104 taxi driver as opposed to a 4FM one.
Maxi, I was going Northside yesterday. But from the Southside. Maybe that explains it.
HM, hah, I'm afraid it's accross the board on this one, they just can't seem to resist.
Excellent Meadow. Other potential conversation stoppers...
Taxi driver: Out shopping?
You: Huh? The bag? No, I'm just bringing a human head to my lair.
Taxi driver: Out shopping?
You: Space monkeys. They watch us, from afar. Ever vigilant. Ever ready to capitalise if we lower our guard. Ever watchful for signs of weakness.
Taxi driver: Out shopping?
You: Well, I had to throw out all my man clothes last week. Whole different ball game when you're a woman. Yessirree.
Flann, thanks. I especially love number 1.
Although it's only when they say, 'Spending all his money?' that I fume, so I'll save it for then. Actually, I have to shop for shoes for a wedding tonight, so I'll most likely hear it.
Will spend the afternoon practising my delivery.
The thought of shopping with someone else's money just makes my skin crawl. Ick. Ick. Ick.
Yes, LaughyKate, I'm with you on that. Triple ick!
How offensive; I get horrified when someone even suggests that I let someone else pay my bills, let alone fit me out with shopping expenses like a child. Good for you for giving it right back to them!
Ieatmypigeon, welcome and what a great name you have!
Yes, although one got me today. Just as I was getting out of the taxi, he tells me to, 'Enjoy your shopping. Don't spend all his money.'
Argh! Maybe they have a book that they have to study - The Little Black Book of Annoying One Liners for Taxi Drivers.
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